Andifuni ukuhamba...

It all started with tears. Goodbyes were said, bags were packed and a plane was boarded. LAX to Heathrow to Cape Town International Airport. I left behind the people I love, people who hold the pieces of my heart. It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like forever ago. And now I find myself in a familiar situation, on the verge of another departure and even more goodbyes. My good friend Insomnia and I reunite nightly. I hadn’t seen him since the months awaiting the move down here but his return reminds me that this is real. Hours are wasted every night lying in bed thinking of the journey I’ve been on, the things I have seen and the people I never knew I could love so much. I’m having difficulty processing it all. And I’m getting the feeling this final blog entry will be mostly just melodramatic ramblings as I attempt to put this all into words. Bear with me. J

The final day of school was the hardest day of my life to date. My heart has never broken so much. It was a day that would make even the worst break up in history seem like kid stuff. Imagine the scene: 14 girls (ages 10-18) performing a medley of goodbye songs inserting “Miss Fenwick” into all of them. They got through the first couple of lines, but by half way through the performance, they couldn’t even continue. They were all doing their classic sway as they sang, but 90% of them were covering their faces as their bodies convulsed in sobs. The other 10% of them were just staring at the ground with tears streaming down their faces. It wasn’t until they broke into “Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend. You have been the one, you have been the one for us” that the sadness was broken as all of us laughed hysterically. That and when they busted out with “We wish you a Merry Christmas” after moments of complete silence as everyone tried to control their sobbing. After that, I said all of my individual goodbyes to the children and drove them home to Philippi one final time. I tried to be tough as I drove away, gave myself a pep talk and took some deep breaths. When I realized that I was the only one in the car and I actually didn’t care about being tough, I cried one of the best cries of my life. The kind that comes from deep down in the belly, where every tear completely coats your cheek in salty water before it splashes on your lap like a tidal wave. Don’t worry. I eventually pulled it together and turned my own version of the Great Depression into an outpouring of thanksgiving to the God who allowed me to love and be loved by the most beautiful children I have ever known. He really spoiled me.

After the children left, we spent the next week wrapping up the year and preparing for the new year. On Tuesday, we turned off all the lights and locked all the doors of the building that was the backdrop to most of the miracles and memories I experienced this year. I said goodbyes to most of my colleagues and after a 4 hour lunch, I said goodbye to my principal and friend, Jenni. Then, I got in my car and drove to the house that has been my home for the past 3 weeks and sat on the couch with 3 of my best friends/colleagues/current roommates. The final days have been spent finding adventures with Renate, Annette and Sam and on Saturday, I will say my final goodbyes to them. I’m really not looking forward to any more goodbyes, especially to three of the people who made this place feel like home. I’ve heard it said, “To have joy, one must share it.” With them, I have shared all of this.

So it ends just as it began, with tears. Goodbyes are being said, bags are being packed and a plane will be boarded in just a few days. Cape Town International Airport to Heathrow to LAX. I am leaving behind the people I love, people who hold the pieces of my heart. People who have changed my whole life. People who I never knew existed and yet were the keepers of the keys to parts of my heart I didn’t know were there. I can’t imagine a world where these children don’t exist and I don’t remember how I lived my life without knowing them, without loving them and without being loved by them. I knew I’d get attached, I just never imagined to grow as close to them as I did. I knew I’d love them, I just had no idea how much I actually would. I didn’t even know that love was there. It’s like it was put inside me at birth but was only activated once I met them. And now there is no off-switch. And I’m okay with that.

Bittersweet is the best word I can find to describe the feeling of going home, but even so it doesn’t scratch the surface. It is hard to be excited to go home when it requires leaving so much behind and saying so many goodbyes. But when I think of the people I will be reuniting with, the excitement grows. And if I have to leave, the people that I am returning to are the only other people in the world I’d rather be with. I am so excited to spend a holiday with my family again and live life alongside my incomparably amazing friends again. My former boss has graciously offered me my job back as I try to figure out what God’s next move for my life is. And in this economy, it is only obvious that God is still providing for me. There are so many blessings awaiting me that I can’t help but be excited for what’s to come. I’m excited to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend and a better employee. I’m excited to be returning a different person.

I have to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever really understand this year. Some will better than others, but no one lived my life this passed year. It is only with my Jesus that I share every single memory, every smile, every hug, every conversation, every miracle. Before I left, I referred to this year as my adventure with Jesus. And now at the end, there is no better way to describe it. No greater adventure has ever been had than by those who walk with Jesus and allow him to do what he does best: blow your mind. My life is not my own and I don’t ever want control of it again. I have learned more than I can possibly explain. I learned how to love, how to serve and what it actually looks like to be a student of Jesus. I learned that living this life without Yahweh is not living at all; it is merely existing. I learned that we are foolish and fallen and yet, at every single point in our messed up lives, we are completely redeemable. I learned that every day we are given on this planet, everything is about the kingdom of God. I want to sow into that kingdom. I want to live in that reality. I want to live a life worthy of the gift that I have been given and the calling I have received. I want to stand before my Father and have him look at me and say, “Well done, my good and faithful daughter.” And as I sit here, looking out over the beauty that covers this country at the end of a year of not being in the driver’s seat of my own life, I am proud. For the first time possibly ever, I am proud of the entire year I lived this year. I am proud of myself and the work that I have done. I was used in bigger ways than I ever imagined and hopefully left a mark on these childrens’ lives. Not a “Miss Fenwick” shaped mark, but a Jesus shaped one. I finish proud, with no regrets and a better version of myself.

As I wrap up my final blog from South Africa, I am thankful to all of you that have supported me, prayed for me, encouraged me, visited me and simply read my ramblings. You have no idea what all of it has meant. I hope that you have been encouraged by what God has done in and through me. I hope people have seen that if God can use someone as weak and sinful and messed up as me, he can use anyone. But most of all I hope that He has received all the glory for everything that has happened. He is amazing, mind blowing and beyond comparison. He is the meaning of life. He is the author of adventure. And as I leave Africa, I leave hand in hand with my Jesus, thankful and in awe of the year we just had and running towards the next adventure. I can’t ask for anything more.