101 degree nostalgia.

Just like hearing a song from high school or the scent of your grandmother's perfume can take you back to a time or place that only exists in your memory, the African heat carries with it the ability to take my mind back to my first months here. The feeling of being hot no matter what you do, the annoyance of the flies buzzing all around your head, body and lunch, the smell of the kids so desperately needing to wear the deodorant they have no interest in. My mind instantly returns to that time almost a year ago when this place I now call home seemed like a foreign land; when the people I've come to call some of my closest friends were just staff members; when these kids that I have fallen completely in love with, for better or worse, were just adorable angels who could do no wrong (I know better now *wink wink). Back then, the word robot was a machine like Jonny 5 or C3PO. Now it is, of course, a traffic light. I refer to math as "maths" even when speaking with Americans. Ngoku ndiyatetha (I can now speak) the language that was once just an impossible code of clicks. The contrast between then and now is vast.

The heat is not the only source of the nostalgia that has taken my focus off whatever I am supposed to be doing and caused me to wonder off in thought. 

My inability to allow any moment to go by without soaking up every aspect of it is sourced from my painful decision to return to the States in December. For some of you reading this, that won't come as news since that was the plan from the beginning. My commitment was for a year, which will be up in December. However, many of you know the turmoil I have been facing as I tried to decipher whether God was calling me home or calling me to stay longer. There were times I was certain that I was staying and times I was positive He was calling me home. But when decision time came, I was lost. Even now after I've made my decision and am officially putting it out there, I am no where near as confident as I would like to be. I have been back and forth so many times but in the end, I have to rest in what I feel God has revealed to me. And although He has not been nearly as clear as He was when he called me here, I know I have been listening honestly and without my own agenda and must discern what I feel He is saying. Deciding to leave my life here is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, hands down. It makes the decision to move out here seem like baby stuff. If I wrote about everything I am feeling and thinking and fearing, this would go on way too long and most of you would stop reading ;) so I'll move on from the depressing rambling and fill you in on the haps. 

I haven't written in so long because a.) I'm obviously really bad at updating this

blog; and b.) I've had visitors galore! My mom and step-dad were out for 8 days of awesomeness. We drove up the east coast, went on a freakin awesome safari, got lost and found adventure (duh) and had more fun than I could have imagined. It was so refreshing having them here. There's just something about "Mom" that just makes us feel better, you know? :) They left and a week later my dad and my sister showed up! Pops was here for a week in which we flew up the East Coast so that he could actualize his dream of surfing the famous Jeffrey's Bay. We stayed on the water and just relaxed in the beauty of J-Bay for a 

couple days. Also while up there, we visited a lion sanctuary where they let you...wait for it...hold baby lions!! I know, it was unreal. Maybe the most awesome experience of my life. The entire trip was surreal. Spending so much time with my dad was a bigger blessing than I realized it would be. I truly have been

 blessed with amazing parents. After my dad left, my sister stayed another 2 weeks!! If you don't know, my sister and I are basically as close as you can possibly get as far as sisters go. I'm pretty sure we could win an award or something. She came and helped at the school and basically just lived life with me for 2 weeks. Time with her is always both hysterical and incredibly deep and meaningful. I am the luckiest sister on the planet. Don't even try to argue with me. You won't win. 

 

I celebrated my 26th birthday with 16 girls serenading me with an african birthday song, a dance dedicated to me (including their version of the "Ms. Fenwick" which is actually just what we would call "the sprinkler" for those of you who know your awesome dance moves) and more hand-made birthday cards than I've ever received in my life. It just so happened that the boys were all home for the weekend so my sister and I got to take the girls to the beach for the day. I can't imagine a better way to spend my birthday than playing in the ocean with the loves of my life (it could only have been better if I could have flown a few of you in from the States!). Twenty-five was pretty phenomenal, but I have a feeling 26 is going to be even better. 

I always wait so long to write these and then have too much to say. This was basically an "about me" update, which I now feel kind of bad about. There is

so much to catch you up on regarding life at the Academy. As the school year is wrapping up, we're preparing for exams and final reports like crazy. We've done assessments and accepted new students for the next school year, which is very exciting! There have definitely been challenges and some of it has been extremely difficult. But I must always rest in the fact that God loves these kids way more than I ever could. We are never going to save them or fix them. Only God can do that and luckily for us, He's an expert at it. Please, please, please continue to pray for these children every day. They need us to be interceding for them and fighting for them, even when they can't fight for themselves. Also, please continue to pray for the staff here. They are the ones doing the hard work for the kingdom and for these kids and are, therefore, always under attack from the enemy. Pray for unity amongst us, wisdom and discernment. Also, if I could ask you to be praying for me as I approach a very, very difficult 2 months of preparation to say goodbye. Pray for my heart, the kids hearts and for peace on all of our parts. I can not underemphasize the need for your prayers. Thank you for coming alongside us, whether it is financially, prayerfully or merely by reading this and being an encouragement to me. 

yahweh shalom. the Lord is peace.

The sun is shining, the sky is blue and the mountains of Franschhoek are not capped with snow....today. The weather has been changing as often as the hairstyles of the Academy girls (and that is OFTEN) and you can never tell just what to expect. One day it feels like the middle of summer, the next day thunder and lightning throw a party in the sky. I'm hoping today marks a permanent change in the weather as Spring has arrived and I am ready for the gloom to leave us alone. Thankfully, everyone at the Academy has recovered from the major flu (i don't think it was swine...) that was spreading around the school like the California fires. At one point, almost half of the whole school was in bed sick, in addition to some of the staff. People were dropping like flies. After administering medicine like we were a pharmacy, everyone is now feeling much better and back in classes. Somehow I managed to stay healthy and well, which I am very, very thankful for!

This past month has been both extremely exciting and extremely difficult...I might

even say the most exciting and the most difficult. We'll start with the difficulties so you have something to look forward to. After implementing the Bible classes and discipleship program, a lot of our students have stepped up in their relationships with God and made huge strides in their faith. However, as always, the enemy wants to do everything he can to stop that from happening. The 

spiritual battle rages on and we are feeling the effects, both amongst the students and the staff. And although it is not surprising, although we knew it would come, although the enemy hasn't had a new idea in ages, when it hits, it hits hard. So we are fighting against it using the weapons that are more than capable to defeat any pathetic schemes formed against us: the Spirit (through prayer) and the Word. Please come alongside us and be praying on our behalf. 

Now on to the excitement! The Bible classes are going great. We have been making our way through the Old Testament and I am completely in my element and loving it (SO much better than teaching math and english!). Teaching through the OT has been amazing and, for the most part, the kids are loving it. They constantly ask if I can keep going when class is over and ask amazing questions which show that they are thinking about it and not just spacing out. As we've been following the Israelites from Egypt to the desert and now into Canaan, they've really gotten involved in the story, getting annoyed when Israel turns from God over and over and being stoked for them when they finally get it right. It's been so great to be able to draw the parallels between us and the unfortunately all too similar Israelites and see them begin to understand the deeper meaning. Of course there are times when they ask questions I don't know the answers to or they doubt that certain events actually took place. And in those times, I can easily get discouraged and doubt that I am qualified for such an important undertaking. But then I remember the stories I just taught: Moses, a murderer and fugitive who was, by our standards, possibly the most unqualified man for the job was used in hugely unimaginable ways just because he was willing. He had no qualifications or characteristics that made him the perfect man for the job because it wasn't about him at all. It was all about God.  It was about God's abilities and God's plan. Moses was simply obedient to the call God placed on his life. And so I will be obedient, even when I don't have the answers and even when I feel overwhelmed, because I know that this is God's show and he is working despite my inadequacies. I'm not sure who is learning more through this class, me or the kids. 

The other half of my life here is focused on the discipleship of the girls. I have continued to disciple the 12th grade girls in addition to the 10/11th grade girls. Both of these groups have

 been going so great and I can see dramatic growth in their lives. I have been most impressed by many of the grade 12 girls and their desire to grow closer to God, throwing off the baggage and bondage that has hindered them in the past. They inspire me every single day and they are quite possibly my favorite part of my life here. God is doing BIG work in the lives of these young women and I am so humbly blessed to be a part of it. The other very exciting aspect of our new discipleship program is the discipling of the younger girls (grades 6-9). After our summer volunteer, Samantha, left, I knew that I would not be able to disciple all of the girls in the entire Academy in the way I was with the older girls. I also had a desire and a vision to see the grade 12 girls step up in leadership, knowing that 1.) leading creates accountability and 2.) you learn as you teach. So this past week we had our first night of the older girls leading the younger girls. We met in the conference room, I gave a short little talk and then the girls split up into their small groups, each being led by 2 12th graders. After we were finished, I debriefed with the new leaders and when I asked them how it went, the consensus was "Amazing!" They were so excited about it! I felt like a proud parent. Honestly, it was quite possibly the proudest moment of my life. Watching these girls get so excited about how God was going to use them as leaders and what He was going to do in the lives of "their girls" was one of the most encouraging and awesome experiences of my life. I could write so much more about this but I'll spare you my emotional ramblings and just say that God is good. 

We are now going into the last few weeks of the third term, which is unbelievable! Everyone says time flies but you never believe them. I am a little over three months away from boarding a flight back to Los Angeles and my heart, mind and soul are in constant turmoil over it. I need to decide if I will be going home for the holidays and then coming back, or if I am home for good in December. My principal has asked that I give her an answer by the end of this month so as to make plans for next year, which I understand. Unfortunately, I am 

completely torn. My friends and family want me to come home; my African friends and family want me to stay. My own heart wants me to both stay and go home. I have realized that it is a lose/lose and win/win situation. Either way, I end up both far away from people I love and with people I love. My heart is forever divided between two continents and I will never be able to reconcile that. I can not imagine leaving this place. I don't even know how it would be possible to walk away from these kids who have stolen my heart and refuse to give it back or let me go. But what I do know is that I don't want to be anywhere that is not the center of God's will. So my plea to you is that you would be earnestly praying for God to give me wisdom and direction. That he would show me exactly where he wants me and what he wants me to be doing and that there would be confirmation that would leave me beyond doubt. This is a big decision, maybe even bigger than the decision to come here in the first place. I need prayer big time, so please help me! :)

I'll leave you with something to make you smile. I asked some of the younger kids to tell me

 something new that they have learned about God since we started the Bible class. Here were a few of the answers:

-"I learned that God has power over the nature, you know like the things like water and mountains cause he opened the sea and made water come from rocks and you can't ever see water come from rocks!"

-"I learned that God forgives and he forgives and he forgives and he forgives. So many times he forgives."

-"I learned that God he is the most powerful. Yoo! He is the most powerful of everything!"

-"I didn't know that God could do his work through people. I learned that he uses us to do his plan."

-"I learned that God's name is Yahweh."

-"I learned that he provides everything and fights for us."

-"There is nothing too big for God."

Those are just a few. It is much cuter when you can hear their little voices saying it, but you get the idea. Please continue to pray for the spiritual lives of our children and the spiritual battle that they (and we) are facing. We need your prayers. 

God is good and he is working and he is continually blowing open the boxes I so foolishly try to put him in. 

big challenges. big changes. big faith.

I am currently wearing a long sleeve, a sweatshirt, a jacket, leggings, jeans, socks, uggs and mittens, the heater is on and I am still cold. What I wouldn't give to be wearing a tanktop, shorts and flipflops, riding my bike down the strand with my friends. I am missing the California summer right about now.

 I realize I haven't updated this blog in ages and I'm not going to make excuses. I'm not going to mention that the last two months have been chaos or that I actually wrote a blog post a few weeks ago only for my computer to malfunction and delete it before I could post it. I won't mention those things because I'm not going to make excuses. So here is your update...

 As I mentioned, one of my non-excuses for the lack of update is that the last few months have been chaos. My best friend since 

childhood flew all the way out here to visit me for 10 days! It was refreshing to say the least. It was so awesome to be able to share this wholepart of my life with her, not to mentionthe much needed break and familiarity I needed after half a year here. There is just something so special about the people who really know  you, the people who it is just easy with. Her visit was filled with eating good food, laughing until it hurt, adventuring all over town and deep conversations that cut to the heart and soul. Not to mention the most awesomely random fatty late night prayer session for all of our friends at home. Ten days of best friend time. It was basically the best time ever. 

From mid May to mid June was the most difficult time I've had out here so far. We encountered a couple different issues with a few our students that were really hard to deal with and I began to feel defeated and useless. It was an extremely hard time for us as a staff as well as for me individually. I use past tense not because things are perfect or because the storms have passed. But because Jesus has brought peace in the midst of the storm. He is slowly but surely guiding us through the waves and calming the waters. Not only has he used this time to remind me of my complete and utter dependence on him, but he has also used it to give us a deeper and clearer vision for where to go from here.  He really used that time to show us what he wanted us to focus on and where he wanted changes to be made. And as we come out the other end of this whole situation, 

I believe we are a lot stronger as a staff, we are more focused as a ministry and I am more dependent on and in awe of God, not to mention more excited about where he is leading us from here. We have seen God's hand in all of it. God IS working in the midst of all this chaos. He IS good and sovereign. We have no choice but to trust him and rest in the fact that he loves these kids far more than we ever could. In all of this, I was weakened so Jesus could strengthen me. And though the weakening part kinda sucks, the strengthening from Jesus part is pretty rad.

One of the changes that we made in light of the last few months is one I personally am super excited about. I have officially given up most of my academic classes and am focusing now solely on the spiritual side of the Academy. We've started an actual class on the Bible as part of our ciriculum and I get to teach it! Which is pretty much the coolest thing I could ever imagine. When I first mentioned to Dennis Wadley that I thought it would be awesome to teach here, he asked me what I wanted to teach and I said Theology, to which he replied, "How about Biology?" At that point, the need that they had was academic teachers. Now, through the ways that God has worked this year, I am actually able to officially teach the Bible as a class! Seeing God's hand has been mind blowing. In addition to the 

Bible class, we have also started a discipleship program which goes a little deeper than we've been able to go in our devotion groups. Currently, we have two visitors from the States who are helping me out for the summer: Samantha who is doing the discipleship for the younger girls, and Caleb who is discipling the boys. I decided to focus first on our older girls because they are the ones we have the least amount of time left with. My hope is that I can pour into them and the Spirit will move so mightily in their lives that when Samantha leaves, our 12th grade girls can rise up and help mentor the younger girls. Please be praying for this new undertaking! I am so beyond excited about it! Also, please be praying that God brings a male staff to do the same for the boys. I will continue to pour into the guys as much as I can but when it comes down to it, they need to see what a godly MAN looks like. So PLEASE be praying for that role to be filled. 

After being here 6 months, I am a full believer in God’s plan being better than our own. I don’t want anything that he doesn’t have for me. I could never imagine anything as awesome as being a part of 

what God is doing here, what he is allowing me to witness, the ways he is allowing me to be used. Although I miss my family and friends TREMENDOUSLY, I have met God in ways I had only heard about. My life is about so much more than it ever has been. It has a defined meaning and purpose that I am actually embracing. And that meaning and purpose, that kingdom focus, is something I am preparing to transfer home, when the time comes. But even that, the timing of things, I leave up to God. As much as I am looking forward to coming home in December, if he calls me to stay, I stay. If he says it’s time to go home, I go. I will only go where he directs from now on. His plan is way more awesome than the mediocre, hum-drum life I can conjure up for myself. I want that plan and everything it has to offer. 

Things I’ve learned lately:

I can only last 6 months away from real Mexican food, In-n-Out, Classic Burger breakfast and buffalo wings before they start making cameo appearances in my dreams.

There is nothing that compares to being known, really and truly known, and being loved regardless.  More than any location, those people are my home.

My own strength and capabilities are laughable. God’s strength and capabilities are ridiculously awesome.

Humility might be my least favorite lesson to have to learn. Can’t wait to learn, grow and move on to the next lesson already!

I am so deeply in love with these children that I might physically die when it comes time to leave them.  I’m convinced they’re the most awesome kids currently on this planet, not to mention the cutest.

God makes way cooler plans for our lives than we could ever dream up for ourselves.

Jesus has changed my entire world.  I’ve reached the point of no return. I will never be the same again. 

get involved.

what's that you say? 

you wish you could be more involved with what God is doing here in South Africa? i thought you might say that! well, here is your chance.  James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." the Bible makes special mention of our responsibility to care for the orphans of this world. of course not everyone can pack their bags and move to SA to work with Bridges of Hope, nor can everyone make it out on a short term team. but there is another way you can be involved in the lives of these orphans and vulnerable children... 

Bridges of Hope Academy has 7 new students in need of sponsors. these tiny new 6th and 7th graders are the beloved new addition to our school. not only are theyso cute that you want to pinch their little cheeks all day long, but they are so hungry for this opportunity: the education, the discipleship, the safety and provision offered. however, they need your help. each child needs a sponsor. please think and pray about supporting one (or more!) of these kids. these children have names and faces and personalities and stories. God could use you to play an integral role in their lives. i know the economy is rough right now and everyone is worried about finances. but in times of want or in times of plenty we are to fix our eyes on things of eternal value and trust Jesus with our lives and our wallets. if you feel led to sponsor one of these amazing children, please contact me and i can get you plugged in or contact Susan Wadley directly at SusanW@BridgesWorldwide.org for more information. above all, keep all of our students in your prayers so that they might grow in faith and love and change their world for the Gospel. 

"This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God." 2 Corinthians 9:10-11 (Msg)

 

Blessed.

So I know I said I'd get better at updating this, but I failed again. It's been a month since my last update! So much has happened. We've moved into our new building and are settling in! Our second term has begun and we're finally moving along after the two weeks of fun and mayhem that the Rolling Hills brought with them. From the moment we picked them up from the airport, we were going non-stop. Classes, games, worship, dinners, hiking, testimonies, soccer...it didn't stop! Not only did our kids have the best time with the team, I did as well. I was blessed beyond belief having my sister and some great friends on that team. It was so amazing to watch all of the first timers fall in love with these same kids that I fell in love with last year, as well as watching the returning members reuniting with the friends they had made on the last trip. I had expected to have a lot of fun with the team, but what I hadn't expected was how those two weeks were going to impact my relationships with the Academy kids. Being a teacher, I do not get as many opportunities to interact with the kids as you do when you come on a short term team. I don't get as many chances to stay up late playing games or watch movies or burst into spontaneous song with them. With the team here (and my desire to be with my sister as much as possible), I stayed late and just hung out. It was amazing. I didn't know it was possible to fall more in love with these kids than I already had, but it happened. Those two weeks strengthened my relationships with these kids through laughing, joking, playing, worshiping and talking. And I'm pretty sure the team had a good time too :) We were blessed by that team and they are deeply missed by all of us out here. 

During those two weeks, I would stay late and just hang out, resulting in really fun times and some great

conversations.One night at dinner I was just casually chatting with a couple kids. Somehow, the conversation turned pretty deep and one girl and I sat for over an hour talking about what it means to really follow Christ. We talked about the difference between saying you're a Christian and actually walking with Jesus. We talked about how being a Christian is less about being saved from hell and more about being saved to Christ, it is less about having said a prayer and more about lordship. As we talked, she asked me if I remembered having a conversation with her when I was here last year. Of course I did, but I didn't think she did, what with all the teams that come out and conversations that take place. She asked me if I remembered what I said to her. I remembered the conversation but let's be honest, I talk alot. I wasn't sure exactly what I had said. She then repeated my words back to me about these kids being the hope for their communities, about God setting these 30 children apart for this opportunity, about the bigger picture and being a part it, about allowing God to use her to change the world in whatever way he wanted, about how she was created and being molded specifically for that purpose. She told me that she never forgot our conversation and that she was so happy that God called me here. She said she would start praying that God would never call me away from here. I told her my mother's prayers might cancel hers out. 

All that to say that I am so blessed. I know nothing, I have no wisdom to impart, I don't have an extensive vocabulary that makes me sound smart, I dont even make sense half the time. But I am blessed to have been used by God despite all of that. Every time I teach one of them something and they get it, every time one of them confides in me, every time they give me a hug for no reason, even every time they just call me "Miss Fenwick", I can't understand why I am the one who gets to be here. Why me? I have no idea, but I am thankful. God really does know us better than we know ourselves. And he really is faithful. And good. And yet we, just as Israel did time and time again, forget this and doubt. Stupid, stupid us. 

Here are a few things you can be praying for:

1. Our Kids: Please just be praying for them constantly. For their hearts, their studies, their attitudes (they are teenagers

 afterall), just everything. Let's just cover these kids in prayer as the enemy tries to use their circumstances to defeat them. Be praying that we have more and more opportunities to go deeper with them and be real. I had a conversation the other day with one of our boys about how he now has no friends when he goes home to Philippi because all of his friends recently joined a gang so he doesn't want to hang out with them. It was just a reminder of how real this is. They really come from that world and they really go back to it when they go home. We need to not only be praying for these kids, but that they would then be salt and light in their communities.  That the things they are learning would translate over into their lives in Philippi. That they would play a part in the transformation of their world. We have two long weekends in a row, which means two long weekends they are back in that world. Be praying for them.

2. Our staff: What the staff at this school does every week amazes me. The patience, love and dedication these people have for these kids and this vision is so inspiring. Please pray that all of us would have an increase in wisdom, patience, compassion and an overflowing of love for the students. 

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me, the kids and this ministry. Keep it up. God is moving. 

One down, three more to go!

So apparently this is more like a monthly blog rather than a bi-weekly! Things have been hectic around here. We finished up our first term (it went by sooo fast!), which was intense. I've realized making exams is almost as much work as actually taking the exams...maybe even more work! To wrap up the term, we took the kids to the nearby waterslides. Not only did I jump in there with them, I convinced the rest of the staff to get off their butts and into the water as well. We had so much fun. A great end to a great first term. 

Besides being super busy, life here is awesome. Of course, like every other time in life, there are ups and downs. There are days I am on top of the world and days that I feel exhausted and lonely. But all in all, I can't express the peace I have in all of those times. Spending 40 - 50 hours a week with these kids is only getting better and better. As I build relationships with each student, I look forward to being here more and more. I find myself staying late, offering to do anything that means spending more time with them. I recently got to take 4 girls out to ice cream as a reward for having the cleanest cabin. We ended up sitting at the ice cream shop chatting for over an hour. I actually got a phone call asking if I was planning on returning the girls. We just got caught up as our conversation casually moved from silly girl talk to me sharing pieces of my life with them as they did the same in return. It is times like these, times when you see into their hearts, times when you get to share yours with them, times when you see God working that make me feel like I could stay forever (don't worry Mom, God hasn't changed the plan yet:).

I've realized that trying to share with you all of the things that I am thinking, seeing, feeling and experiencing is impossible. But God is moving and working, know that. I can feel myself changing, the way I look at life and people and the world. I am realizing more and more what it means to run the race set before you. I am understanding that you're either in the battle or you're not...there's no sitting on the sidelines. I am learning that it is all about God. It's not even about me a little bit. There is no logical explanation for me being here; there are no qualifications that I have met, no qualities that I possess, nothing that I have done to bring my life from where it was to where it is. And so God gets all the glory. Anything that I do here, any good that can possibly come from me is only from Him. Let me tell you, when you realize that, it takes a whoooole lot of pressure off! Especially when you don't know what the heck you're doing teaching teenagers in Africa! I'm learning a lot more too but I'll spare you all for now. That's just a taste. ;)

     Please continue to pray for us over here. Pray for us as we

move into our new building this week! We've got a lot of work to do but it is very exciting. The new building is AMAZING. Please pray for the team from Rolling Hills that will be here in two weeks (including my sister!!!). Pray for our kids as they are home in Phillipi for their break...safety and wisdom! Also, one final thing I would appreciate prayer for. One of my oldest and best friends, Tamra, is getting married in May. Super exciting! I have been honored by being asked to be in the wedding, which consists of mostly family. I have been given the okay to take a couple days off and fly back home to be in it! Now, the only problem is coming up with a couple thousand dollars to buy a plane ticket! Normally I would work hard and save if there was something I wanted. This missionary life doesn't really allow for savings haha. So I am once again unable to do anything on my own, but rather turning to Jesus. Please pray that God provides this money. I have seen God be waaay too faithful to worry about this now. I know that he will come through, I just need your help praying. 

     A final word: my Xhosa is coming along quite nicely! The kids have begun to give me "exams" every week and I got 100% on my last test! The kids are LOVING that I am learning and it has really helped us bond further. So for now, sala kakuhle!

Ps. Click here to check out some more pictures! :)

A glimpse into my life here...

You can see more photos of my life in SA here.